Seeing a therapist for the first time can be daunting. For some, those fears are alleviated the moment their initial session starts. For others, it takes a little longer. And for a small few, that moment when everything falls into place fails to come at all. During my first experience of therapy I fell into that last group. After a few months of weekly sessions I felt disheartened and gave up. You might be in the same position, reluctant to to seek out a new therapist for fear that history will repeat itself. I hope that reading about my time in therapy will help to show how different - and even life changing - therapy can be if you find the right therapist.
I was in my mid-twenties when I first saw a therapist. Aware I was carrying some issues from childhood, I went online, found someone and booked some sessions. Looking back, my choice of therapist was mainly influenced by the ability to squeeze in an early morning appointment and get to my desk on the other side of London by 9am. On reflection this lack of research could have contributed to the subsequent difficulties. Perhaps I should have looked into the type of therapist that I wanted to work with. Or perhaps, despite being aware of my issues, I wasn't actually ready to face them. What I know for sure is that the relationship I had with my therapist was not a good one.
I distinctly remember a session when she told me that she thought I was saying what I thought she wanted to hear. The fact I remember this now, after over 15 years, highlights its impact. I felt judged. And embarrassed. I felt that she thought I was lying, or making things up, or just not doing therapy properly. Any of these things might have been the case, but this could have been addressed very differently. If she felt I was being disingenuous, drawing attention to it could have been beneficial to the therapeutic process. She could have reflected my words back to me, allowing me the opportunity to expand or refine them. She could have asked me how I felt now about the experiences I'd disclosed. She could have even asked what had made me chose to talk about those things, displaying curiosity about my decision to bring those topics, rather than judgement.
None of these things happened. I went on to attend two, or possibly three more sessions where at least 50% of the time was spent in uncomfortable silence. I feared saying the 'wrong' thing. I overthought everything that came into my mind, imagining how it would be received and instead of voicing it, bottled it up for fear of provoking an unwanted reaction.
Now, sitting on the opposite side of the therapeutic room, I can look back on this first experience of therapy and see what went wrong. My therapist did not create the core conditions that are essential for a good therapeutic relationship. I felt judged. I felt that she thought badly of me. I did not feel that she was empathetic towards the experiences I described, nor how I felt sitting in that room and opening up to her. Each of these things contributed to my inability to be vulnerable enough to explore my experiences and emotions. Knowing how much this can impact the therapeutic relationship, I now strive to provide these conditions for my own clients.
It might seem strange to share this negative experience when it's my job to encourage people to attend therapy, however, I think it's important to be honest. If you're thinking of entering therapy my advice would be to spend some time speaking to your potential therapist - most offer a free initial meeting - and ask yourself how you feel. You'll know if you're going to be able to work with them.
Do I think every therapist is equipped to work with every client who lands in their inbox? Definitely not. Do I think that everyone can benefit from therapy given the right therapist? Most definitely yes. Whilst my first experience of therapy was not a good one it didn't put me off. I returned, not once but twice, and each time was life-changing for very different reasons. Look out for parts two and three to find out why.
Comments